The Hard Bastard
Gods have decreed that today shall be the turn of the Master of Aikido, Lord
Steven Seagal, to show off his indomitable macho action man chops. I have never
been the biggest fan of Seagal’s zen-but- mouthy, take-no-crap, dress like a
hippy, sting like a bee schtick, but after this one I have definitely
reassessed my feelings towards the man. Released during Seagal’s mid-nineties
heyday, when the pony-tailed one was at the peak of his box office powers, Director
John Gray’s the Glimmer Man teams The
Great One up with jive-talkin’ Keenen Ivory Wayans, to incendiary, thrilling
effect. Wayans’ wisecracking, Humphrey Bogart-loving L.A. Detective Jim
Campbell is forced to partner-up with Seagal’s mysterious, mystic, bead-wearing
New York cop, Lt. John Cole, when they are assigned to track down a serial
killer dubbed ‘The Family Man,’ due to his habit of murdering entire families
in atrocious, ritualistic fashion. Campbell quickly discovers that Cole,
steeped in Buddhism and used to working alone, has a shady past that could
actually hold the key to solving the case and unlocking a much larger
conspiracy. Happily, this involves copious violence, sweet car chases and a
whole load of stuff that blows up grandly.
Seagal is a
commanding presence here, and though he often looks ridiculous in his bizarre, multicoloured
tunics and beads, he glides through the narrative with such poise and confidence
that he owns any room he walks into.
Cole oozes self-belief and tackles some pretty hairy situations with a serenity
that makes him look totally badass. No sooner than he’s been assigned to this
homicide case, he’s strolling into a hostage situation in a school, purely
because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. As his partner points out, it’s
not even in their department jurisdiction, but before anyone even knows what’s
going on, Cole has sorted the situation out by hurling himself and the teen
gunman through a plate glass window. His methods are extreme, but dammit, he
gets results. As it turns out, the
kid’s dad is someone very important: shady crook Frank Deverell (Bob Gunton),
who just happens to be a central figure in the whole conspiracy, and Cole
becomes a marked man for refusing to testify that the boy was temporarily
insane. Quite bodaciously, when Deverell presents him with a thinly-veiled
threat, Cole explodes: ‘You tell your asshole boss that nobody threatens me…now take your ugly ass outta here!’ Seagal is supremely
skilled at spitting such venomous censures and in this movie he gets plenty
opportunities to vent his spleen. Cole is also quick to point out that he
deplores violence, but will remorsefully resort to it when the baddies give him
no other option. Thankfully, this happens quite regularly, resulting in some
impeccable, squelchy bloodshed.
Though Cole is prone
to sprouting weird, floaty spiritual nonsense like, ‘she is merely a broken
vessel,’ and ‘crying cleanses the soul,’ he also exhibits some quite outrageous,
sage, otherworldly skills, such as being able to work out where a murder victim
came from purely by her ‘bone structure’, and is knowledgeable about mystical
Eastern medicine. He even sneakily gets Campbell to ingest some ‘powdered deer
penis,’ to cure his allergies, which becomes a whimsical, but tired running
joke.
Constantly laughing,
joking and ribbing each other, Cole and Campbell become an affable double act,
with Campbell reliably bringing the blithe, street smart attitude, and Cole
bringing the wisdom and the ultraviolent pain. Cornered by some baddies when
they stumble across some hoods breaking into a car, Seagal warns them: ‘My
friend, he’s a little bit country, I’m a little bit rock n’ roll!’, nicely
summing up their relationship, before it all kicks off. With the bad guys
attempting to rob them, thinking them unarmed, Cole quips, ‘do you take plastic?’ before whipping out a credit
card containing a sneaky hidden blade, slashing up his assailants quick style,
before kung fu-ing the shit out of them. It makes you wonder: what kind of guy
would carry such a thing? He’s resourceful and tough, and throughout the movie he does it all with no small measure
of style and finesse. As Campbell points
out, ‘He speaks Chinese, dresses like a monk and he’s like Bruce Lee in battle!’
Amen to that.
When his ex-wife is
found butchered and he’s stitched up for the Family Man murders, Cole shows
what he’s made of and comes out fighting, looking to track down and punish the
powerful figures from his past who he figures must be behind it all. When the
chief informs him that he’s suspended pending an investigation, following a
heated exchange in the P.D. men’s room Cole enquires which urinal the boss has just
pissed in, before tossing his gun and badge straight into the manky piss-pot. Nice.
Cole then tracks
down his old army buddy-turned Senator Smith (Brian Cox), who he suspects might
have something to do with it all and becomes caught up in an electrifying
restaurant smackdown. Before he’s even entered the eatery, Cole sparks out a
mouthy maître d’, and when Smith’s bodyguard suggest he leave quietly, the
Buddhist ballbuster retorts ‘I have something in my pocket that will completely
clear up that bruise on your forehead.’ Before the confused enforcer can
finishing asking ‘what bruise?’, Cole has knocked him into next week and is
soon taking on five very angry, highly trained bad guys. Effortlessly messing
them up, tossing them through windows and taking a chance to show off his
brilliant close-quarters combat style, Cole swaggers off, point made, and
coolly enquires, ‘Do you validate parking?’ This one really is a masterclass in
ridiculous action movie quipping, with the wisecracks coming thick and fast, making
for a bloody good, riotous laugh.
We soon find out
where Cole got his particular set of skills from when, plotting to take him
down, co-conspirators Deverell and Smith reveal that he is ex-Special Ops, the
best-of-the-best, a Vietnam vet nicknamed ‘the Glimmer Man’, who has seen some
serious shit. Of Cole’s past form, Smith
explains, ‘there’d be nothing but jungle…then a glimmer…then you’d be DEAD.’
Cole was apparently so tough that he went rogue and started making up his own
assignments, before disappearing to Thailand where he found spirituality and
peace, eventually dedicating his life to law and justice. Unfortunately for the villains, setting Cole
up seems to have only succeeded in flicking a switch in his head that makes the
violent acts of justice we’ve seen so far look like a goddamn picnic. When two
hoods posing as cops try to kidnap him, from the backseat of a speeding car the
steamed-up Spartan beats one of them to death with his own gun. He then
fearlessly smashes the vehicle right into a massive gasoline truck, spectacularly
rolling out the back window just before the inevitable fiery mushroom cloud
signals that this most definitely means WAR.
Next time the
partners encounter Smith, proper procedure goes out the window, as Cole shoots him in the foot to get him to squeal, then promptly
blasts him in the hand just to prove he ain’t messing about. After he’s spilled
the beans, (some convoluted nonsense concerning a cover-up, Deverell, chemical
weapons and Russian mobsters)Smith confesses, ‘I miss you Jack…our men these
days, they just won’t go that extra mile.’ This is the level of Hard Bastard we’re
dealing with – he’s so nails, he’s getting compliments from the guy he’s just
shot! Then, as Smith begs them for leniency and to at least call him an
ambulance, Cole spits, ‘I only shot you in one foot – hobble to the hospital!’
With the info he
needs, Cole shows off his smarts, playing the bad guys off against each other
and leading them into a ferocious, riveting gun battle. When, during the
assault, Campbell is blasted right out of a window and left hanging
precariously from a ledge, Cole shows how selflessly courageous he is by abseiling
down the side of the building to rescue him. This is very cool indeed.
Finally getting to
go mano-a-mano with the real Family
Man killer - Deverell’s nefarious right hand man Cunningham (John M. Jackson) -
Cole pulls out all the stops in a brutal, bloody final fight that shows just
how unstoppable The Glimmer Man really is. Urging his foe to ‘take your best
shot,’ Cole seems unsatisfied, despite the crunching blow to the face he
receives for his troubles. ‘No! Your best
shot,’ he roars, inciting the guy to wallop him even harder. ‘Boring!’ he
cries, quite splendidly, before composing himself and calmly quipping, ‘That’s
the best you got, I’m gonna have to kill
you.’ Then he unleashes hell in the type of classic, furious fight that sees
scenery demolished marvellously, and blood and teeth fly through the air like
gristly bullets. The duel reaches fever pitch with both men trying to strangle
each other to death, before Cunningham receives his comeuppance by being sent
hurtling through a window to be impaled on spikes below, just as the church
bell tolls. It is a suitably stylish end to a thrilling physical encounter.
With Cole’s name
cleared and the war finally over, injured Campbell is led off on a stretcher, stopping
to tell Cole that ever since he’s met him he’s been nothing but trouble.
Smirking, Cole says he’ll keep that in mind, shooting his comrade a look that
implies he ain’t seen nothin’ yet, before swaggering off into the crowd: ready to
right some more wrongs and kick a whole lot more ass. He’s The Glimmer Man. That’s
just how he rolls.
THE RATINGS:
INDESTRUCTIBILITY: 9/10 – Cunningham kinda gives him a run
for his money, but to be honest, Seagal barely breaks sweat.
COMBAT SKILLS: 7/10 Great with his hands, a piece or even a
credit card. Not bad.
ATTITUDE: 8/10 Strives to do what’s right, takes cases that
are outside his department, and tells bribing baddies to kiss his ass. However,
possibly did some questionable stuff in Nam…
OUTRAGEOUSNESS: 7/10 Leaping from moving cars, abseiling
down buildings during a firefight, maiming baddies with credit cards, he’s
pretty damn crazy!
BODY COUNT: 14 kills in 91 minutes – A lot of room for
improvement! 2/10
SEAGAL’S SCORE: 33/50
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